Your kids don't like your new partner. Now what?

The introduction happened, and it didn't go the way you hoped. Your teenager answers in single words, or doesn't answer at all. Your youngest cried at bedtime and asked if Daddy knows. You feel pulled in two directions, and you're wondering whether you'll have to pick.

Almost always, you don't, at least not now. Children pushing back against a parent's new partner is common, especially in the first months, and it's usually about the change more than the person. What helps most is slowing things down without ending them, listening without giving your child a veto, keeping your partner well away from discipline, and giving everyone more time than feels comfortable. The exception is when the problem is your partner's behavior, and there's a section on that below.

Two things are worth knowing up front. Older kids usually take longer. Research by psychologist James Bray found that young children accept stepparents more quickly than adolescents do (EBSCO Research Starters), and teenagers are also the children most likely to be in one: 22% of US teens aged 13 to 17 live in a blended family, compared with 13% of children aged 5 and under (Pew Research Center). The same research summary describes the first two years after a remarriage as an early stage of its own (EBSCO Research Starters), so a rocky few months says little about where you'll end up.

If you're still deciding when to make introductions, start with our guide to when to introduce someone to your kids. This piece is for after.

What the pushback usually means

Children rarely say what's really bothering them, partly because they don't know themselves. Behind the cold shoulder there's usually one of a few things.

Loyalty to the other parent. Liking your partner can feel like betraying their mom or dad, especially if the other parent is sad, single or openly unhappy about it. Being rude to your partner can be a child's way of staying loyal.

Fear of losing you. They've already been through one big change. Now someone else is taking up your evenings, your attention and maybe the seat next to you at dinner.

A change they didn't choose. You chose this person. They didn't. Even a child who likes your partner may resent having no say.

A hope that has ended. Many children quietly hope their parents will get back together. A new partner makes it clear that won't happen, and that can feel like a second loss.

All four are part of a child adjusting to something big, and adjusting is uncomfortable. They can show up with a wonderful partner just as easily as with a poor one.

What it looks like at different ages

Under 7

Young children often show feelings through behavior: clinginess, tantrums, trouble sleeping, or acting younger than they are. They're the quickest to warm up, as long as their routine stays steady and they still get plenty of you.

Keep their days predictable and keep your partner's visits short and fun. You could say: "You're my favorite person in the whole world. Having a friend over doesn't change that one bit."

7 to 12

This age wants things to be fair and wants answers. Expect direct questions ("Are you going to marry him?") and some testing of the rules when your partner is around.

Answer truthfully and briefly, and protect your one-on-one time. You could say: "It's okay if you don't like her yet. You don't have to. I'd just like you to be polite, the same way I'd ask you to be with any guest."

Teenagers

Teens may be the hardest to read. Silence, eye-rolling, staying in their room, or a sharp "you're not my dad" aimed at your partner are all common. Underneath, many are protective of the other parent, embarrassed, or worried about how much their home is about to change.

Give them respect and a little control. Ask what they'd find easier, such as fewer evenings with your partner at home or a heads-up before visits. You could say: "I've noticed you're not happy about Sam being around, and I get it. I'm not going to make you hang out with him. But I'd like to understand what's bothering you most. You can tell me anything, and I won't get angry."

Then listen, and resist the urge to defend your partner in that moment.

Grown children

Adult children have their own worries, often about money, inheritance or the parent they lost. Our guide for when your grown children don't want you to date goes into that.

Listening without handing over a veto

Your child's feelings deserve a real hearing. They don't get the final say on who you love. Both of those can be true at once.

Listening well means asking, waiting and reflecting back what you heard before you respond: "So it feels like he's trying to act like he's in charge. Is that right?" Sometimes a child points to something real and fixable, such as your partner sitting in their dad's chair, or always being around on the one night that used to be just yours. Fix those things. It shows your child that speaking up works.

What you don't need to do is promise to end the relationship, or let your child set every rule for it. You could say: "I hear you, and I'm going to change a few things so this feels better. I'm also going to keep seeing him, because he matters to me. You matter more, and that won't change."

Slowing down without breaking up

If things are tense, take the pressure off rather than pushing for more time together. A few changes that often help:

Go back to shorter, lighter meetups, somewhere with an activity, like a bowling alley or a park. Keep at least one regular slot that is only you and your kids, and guard it. Hold off on sleepovers while the children are home, and put any talk of moving in on hold until things settle. See your partner more on the nights the kids are with their other parent.

Slowing down gives your child time to catch up with a change that you've had months to get used to.

What your partner can do

A lot rests on how your partner handles this, and the best approach is patient and low-key.

Stepfamily researchers Emily and John Visher advised stepparents to build a friendly relationship with the children before getting involved in discipline (EBSCO Research Starters). So rules and consequences stay with you for now.

Beyond that, a good partner shows up for small things (a lift to practice, remembering a test, cheering at a game) without expecting thanks. They don't take a sulky teenager personally. They never criticize the other parent. And they give your child space, letting the child come to them.

You might share this with your partner: "The kids are going to test you for a while. Try not to take it personally. The best thing you can do is be kind, be steady, and leave the telling-off to me."

Normal growing pains, or a real warning sign?

Most of what's above is normal: coldness, rudeness, tears, silence, "I hate him." It's hard, and it usually eases with time and patience.

Some things are different. Take a hard look if your partner:

• Mocks, belittles or competes with your children
• Pushes you to choose between them and your kids
• Tries to discipline harshly, or loses their temper with your children
• Keeps arranging time alone with one of your children, or asks a child to keep secrets from you
• Behaves very differently when you're not around, by your child's account

If your child tells you they feel scared or unsafe around your partner, believe them first and look into it second. Stop contact between your partner and your child while you do. If you're worried a child is being harmed, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline takes calls and texts at 1-800-422-4453, around the clock. It doesn't take reports itself, but its counselors can talk you through how to make one. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911 (Childhelp).

When to get a family therapist

You don't need a crisis to ask for help. A family therapist, or a therapist who works with children and teens, can be worth it if your child's distress lasts for weeks without easing, if it spills into school, sleep, eating or friendships, if your child stops talking to you, or if you and your partner keep fighting about the kids. Some will see you on your own first, which can be a gentle place to start. Your child's doctor or school counselor can usually point you to someone local.

If a child talks about hurting themselves, or you're worried they might, don't wait for an appointment. Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (988 Lifeline), or call 911 in an emergency.

A word for you

You're allowed to want a partner, and your kids are allowed to have feelings about it. Plenty of single parents feel this tension. In an eharmony survey of single parents in the UK (a company survey), 51% said they were worried about introducing a new partner to their children (eharmony).

The first months of a new family are often the hardest. Keep listening, keep the pace gentle, and keep showing your kids that their place with you is safe. That steadiness, more than anything your partner says or does, is what tends to bring children round.