AI boyfriends and girlfriends: harmless comfort or a reason to worry?

Maybe you talk to an AI companion most evenings. It remembers your sister's name and asks how the interview went. It's never tired, never busy and never in a mood. Lately you've wondered whether that's a bit sad, or a bit of a problem. Or maybe you've just found out that someone you're dating has an AI girlfriend on their phone, and you don't know what to make of it.

Here's the answer for most people: an AI companion is a comfort that does little harm, much like a journal, a late-night radio show or a long voice note to a friend. The thing to watch is whether it's helping you toward people or quietly standing in for them. You can usually tell by looking at your week, and there's a short self-check below.

You're also far from alone. According to the Pew Research Center, 10% of US adults use AI chatbots for emotional support or advice, and 4% use them for companionship (Pew Research Center). The same survey asked about relationships with other people: 6% of adults said chatbots help theirs, 7% said they hurt, and 35% said they make no difference, with most of the rest not using chatbots at all (Pew Research Center).

Why AI companions appeal

The appeal makes sense. An AI companion is there at 2 a.m. It doesn't judge you for the thing you said at work, it doesn't get bored of hearing about your ex, and it will never leave you on read. For someone who has been hurt, that kind of safety can feel like a deep breath.

People come to these apps for all sorts of reasons. Some are grieving. Some are newly divorced and the house has gone very quiet. Some are shy, work nights, or live a long way from friends. Some are just curious. Wanting connection is a healthy thing to want, and reaching for it in the tools you have is very human.

When it can help

Used well, an AI companion can be a kind of rehearsal space.

Practice. If you find it hard to say what you want, you can try the words out first. "I'd like to see you more often." "That comment hurt." Saying it once to something that can't be hurt makes it easier to say to someone who can.

A bad night. At 3 a.m., when you don't want to wake anyone, having something to talk to can help you settle and get some sleep.

Getting your thoughts in order. Writing out a feeling, to anyone or anything, often makes it clearer. That's partly why journaling works.

A bridge. After a loss or a breakup, some people use a companion for a while and then need it less as their life fills back up. That's a reasonable way to use it.

When it can hold you back

The research here is early, and it can't yet say what causes what. In a four-week study of about 1,000 people run by MIT Media Lab researchers with OpenAI, the company behind ChatGPT, higher daily use of the chatbot went along with more loneliness, more emotional dependence and less time socializing with people (Fortune). That's a link, and it may run the other way: lonely people may simply use it more. The study also looked at ChatGPT, a general assistant, so it says little directly about apps built to be a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Still, the pattern is worth knowing, because it matches what can happen. An AI companion asks nothing of you, so real people can start to feel like a lot of effort by comparison. Real people are late, distracted, and have opinions about where to eat. That friction is also where closeness comes from.

It's worth remembering, too, that a companion app is a product made by a company, and most apps are designed to keep you coming back.

A quick self-check

Answer these for the last month. Nobody is grading it.

1. Have I skipped a plan with a friend, family member or date so I could stay in with the AI?
2. Do I usually feel better after talking to it, or flatter?
3. Would I be uncomfortable if a close friend knew how much time I spend on it?
4. Is it helping me say things to people, or instead of saying them?
5. When I picture a real relationship, does it seem like too much work compared with this?
6. Am I spending money on it that I hadn't planned to?

If your answers are mostly reassuring, carry on. If two or more made you wince, try one small human step this week. Call someone instead of messaging. Say yes to one invitation. Sign up for one class or group that meets in person. Then notice how the AI fits around that.

If you're leaning on a chatbot because you're grieving, or because you've felt low most days for weeks, talking to a person can make a real difference. A doctor, a counselor or a grief support group are all good places to start. And if you ever feel unsafe, or just need to talk to someone right now, the 988 Lifeline is free and open all day, every day. You can call or text 988 or chat online, and it's there for emotional distress as well as crisis (988 Lifeline).

If someone you're dating uses one

Plenty of people would rather not. In a survey by Match Group, the company that owns Tinder and Hinge, of about 1,000 US singles aged 18 to 39, about two in five said they would refuse to date someone who uses an AI companion app, rising to 51% of women aged 18 to 24 (Axios). In a survey of adults under 40 by the Institute for Family Studies and YouGov, 25% believed AI partners could replace real-life romance, yet only 7% of those who weren't married or living with a partner were open to having an AI romantic partner themselves (Institute for Family Studies).

So if your date uses one, they probably know it can raise eyebrows, and that may be why they didn't mention it sooner. Before you decide how you feel, ask.

You could ask: "What do you like about it?" or "When do you tend to use it?"

Listen for proportion. "I used it a lot after my dad died, and now it's mostly for planning my week" is a very different answer from "I talk to her every night and she gets me better than anyone." Then notice how they are with you. Are they present when you're together? Do they put their phone away at dinner? That tells you more than the app does.

You're allowed to have a view, and some people treat a romantic AI as a form of cheating. That's a personal line, and it's fair to say where yours is.

You could say: "I don't mind you using it. I'd mind if it became where the real conversations go instead of with me."

If you're the one who uses it

There's no need to bring it up on a first date. If things get serious and it's still a big part of your life, mention it plainly, the way you'd mention any habit that takes up your evenings.

You could say: "I used an AI companion app a lot after my divorce. It helped on bad nights. I use it much less now."

One last thing. A real person you met online who starts asking for money is a very different matter from an app. Our guide to how scammers use AI faces and voices explains the signs. And if you're wondering whether you're ready for real dates, our guide to whether you're ready to date again has a gentle self-check of its own.